Tongue Depressor


 Alright, say “Ahhhh”.

Good, good. Everything looks… oh, wait. Oh, wait, wait, wait… what have we here?

 Can you turn to the left? Thank you.

              Oh my. I’m afraid it’s just as I thought. Here, I’ll get the mirror.

              I want you to look here – just toward the back. You see that? You can just nod, I know it’s hard to talk with all of these implements in your mouth. You see it? What you are looking at is very troubling. I can tell you right now, that this is something you’ll be glad we caught.

              That thing you see in the mirror means that your tongue is – I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just come out with it – your tongue is quite sad. It’s a strange thing to hear, but it’s actually a lot more common than you think.

              What you’ll find in situations like these is that you’ll start to question everything that comes out of your mouth. I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that sometimes, the things you say feel wrong, even though you’re certain that nothing you’ve said is upsetting in the least. It’s, just a strange feeling, you know? Like you’ve just asked for someone to pass the butter, but you keep going over the way you phrased it, wondering if you somehow insulted them in some way. Have you noticed anything like that?

              Could you tilt back the other way? Thank you, good, good.

              And there it is. Looks like the state of your tongue’s mental health is also affecting your taste buds. They are all messed up in there. Your tongue is bringing down the party in your mouth. Have you noticed that things taste bland when they should taste vibrant? No? What about things that used to be salty that now taste sweet? A bit of that, eh? Understandable, given the state of things in here.

              What’s important is that we slow what’s happening here, try to reverse it if at all possible. Right now, your tongue’s mood is only affecting your sense of taste, but if left unchecked, you’ll come down with a number of other mouth maladies. Within a few days, you could be experiencing weeping teeth, sour gums, lethargic larynx and possibly even jealous jaw. That’s a serious issue, that one. When a jaw starts envying the state of say, the pancreas, you’ll literally be drooling insulin.

              Now look, I see your lips are curving into the same chagrined expression that your tongue is sporting, but I’m here to tell you that there’s no need to fret. This can be managed, and as I’ve said, it’s important that we turn things around, and quickly.

              First thing’s first, I’ll need you to avoid any words with hard consonants in them. You mentioned your spouse’s name is Jackie? Well, for the time being, it’ll have to be… I dunno, Acey? Tell you what, you figure it out. The important thing is that you steer clear of harsh syllables altogether for the next few months.

              Additionally, you’ll need to refrain from commonly used, but improper words, such as “irregardless”, or “supposably”. If you were to utter something like “for all intensive purposes”, your tongue may need to be institutionalised.

              Finally, try to laugh more. Your tongue, like all tongues, loves laughter. If you can, go home and watch a comedian fall down some stairs, or whatever they are up to these days. Cat videos work for many people.

              It’s so good you came in today. I’m glad we caught this in time.